Tips for Talking to Your White Kids About Racism
So I’ll just be real clear here right from the get go: I have zero expertise in this topic. I am a white woman who has never experienced racism. I have no idea what it feels like. I am still very much working on my own ingrained racism, and even with my best intentions, I’m sure I’m still getting a lot of it wrong. I do have a background in education, but I only ever worked with teenagers, and I sure as hell am not any kind of expert in the field of working with young kids. What I am is a mom who is trying to do better, and would love to offer support/encouragement to other parents who are also trying to do better. Here’s what’s been working for us so far (I’m using us/we because my husband is as much a part of this learning experience as I am):
Acknowledging what we see in the real world and not shying away from it: Matt and Squirt (who’s now six, btw) were out for a walk a couple of weeks ago and came across a sign in someone’s yard that said Black Lives Matter. Squirt asked about it and Matt explained that Black people in America haven’t ever been treated fairly and that right now a lot of people are upset about it and working to change it. Squirt (on his own) connected this to his lesson from school about Martin Luther King Jr., which led Matt to explain that a lot of the problems MLK wanted to fix are still problems. Being open to your kids so they know they can ask questions is huge. It would be easier to brush off some of these real life encounters as a “grown up thing” or “you wouldn’t understand, sweetie”. Personally, I think that’s the worst thing you can do. Not only are you missing an opportunity for conversation, but if you do this enough times, your kid will eventually stop asking, and keeping an open line of dialogue is essential.
Reading a lot of books about racism: This has been a big one for us (scroll to the bottom of this post to see some of our favorites). Squirt has always been really into the book Mixed, which is about the three primary colors. They start out as friends, but then decide the colors need to be kept separate, until a blue and a yellow fall in love and decide to mix. The colors then all realize that life is better when everyone is together. We’ve had this book for quite a while, and Squirt has always picked up on the “that’s not fair!” moment when the colors separate and aren’t allowed to hang out. “That’s not fair” has actually (for us) been the easiest way to start this conversation because it’s a concept he has a firm grasp on. We recently got Separate is Never Equal, which is definitely for kids who are a little older. It tells about the court case to desegregate schools in Orange County, which has been especially interesting for us since it’s where we live. The book goes into a lot of detail about some of the legal proceedings, which are a little over his head, but he has really picked up on the “that’s not fair!” in this book too. Reading this book with him has sparked a lot of questions, and even though some of them seem off base, many of them are quite thoughtful and they’ve led to really good conversations.
Reading lots of books with Black characters: This is something we need to be better about, but it’s just as important for white kids to read about Black characters doing happy, joyful, everyday things as it is for them to read about racism. Since Squirt is *very* into the Avengers (wonder where he gets that from), we read lots of Black Panther books, and I’m hoping once Falcon and the Winter Soldier gets up and rolling, we’ll be able to find some books with Falcon at the center too. This is something I am going to pay more attention to in the future, making sure we read a range of books with representative characters.
Watching shows that directly address racism: The CNN/Sesame Street Town Hall was one of the first things we watched with Squirt that was very clearly geared toward starting the conversation with kids. Not going to lie, it was a struggle at times to get him to focus and pay attention, but we were able to have some good discussions with him based on what was covered on the show.
Shutting down racism when you hear it (especially when your kid is present): Yeah, this one is by far the hardest. Squirt is the only kid on my side of the family, which means he tends to hear a lot of adult conversations. I used to just brush a lot of comments to the side, but now I know I have to speak up. Squirt is old enough to listen and understand, and he needs to hear the adults in his life put a stop to racist dialogue. I know for me as a kid, this is one of the things that had a big impact on me. I grew up hearing racist jokes and language, and no adult ever said “It’s not okay to talk like that.” We tended to let things slide because grandma is just old and set in her ways, or uncle so and so is just joking, it’s no big deal. But that is part of the roots of ingrained racism, and if we want our kids to learn something different, we have to do something different.
A lot of these conversations with Squirt have been awkward. Some things are hard to explain to a six year old. Many of these things have pushed me to look deeper into my own biases, which is not a comfortable thing to do. But the simple fact of the matter is my kid gets to LEARN about racism, not EXPERIENCE racism, so it’s important to get that education rolling. We have to continue to push to be anti-racist, and raise anti-racist kids.
