June 10, 2020

White People, It’s Time to Get Uncomfortable

Falon Personal Post 1 Comment

I’m going to do my best to keep this post coherent, but I’ve had so many thoughts and feelings running through my brain lately, I’m having trouble keeping it all straight.

Watching the events happening around the US the past couple of weeks has been overwhelming. Emotional. Exhausting. Scary. Heartbreaking. I’ll just make this one thing real clear before I dive in: Police brutality, especially against the Black community, is out of control. This is no longer a one off situation (it never really was, and if it felt like that to you before, that’s a privilege) and the evidence is on video right in front of our faces. Taking that a step further, the cops KNOW they are being recorded and still continue to perpetrate violence, so imagine what has been happening off camera for YEARS.

Over the past couple of weeks, a lot of white people have posted in support of George Floyd. They’ve shown outrage against his death and cheered when the officers who killed him were arrested. I’ve seen many people claim this was the final straw and now is time to make a change. Brands and companies have flooded social media with their blackout posts. Many of us have had long overdue conversations with friends and family members who post and say ignorant and/or harmful things.

And it’s exhausting. I’ve cried a lot over the past couple of weeks. I’ve felt worn out and disheartened. It’s been a lot. And every time I feel like I’ve hit my limit, I remind myself this is how Black people feel all the time. Not just for the past couple of weeks. Not just when another Black person is killed by police. All the time. So I kind of need to shut the fuck up about feeling tired, yeah?

I’m sure many of us have pledged to change over the past couple of weeks. We’ve started hard conversations. We’ve ordered books. We’ve donated our money. Many of us have protested and marched. And that’s all well and good. It’s a great start. But the challenge is going to be keeping up that pace. It would be really easy to back off now. To scroll past that Facebook video. To dismiss that comment. To put the book back on the shelf without ever having opened the cover. It would certainly be easier to do that. It would be less uncomfortable.

But that is exactly why we need to keep going. It should feel uncomfortable. Dealing with the inherent racism ingrained in us by a society that undoubtedly puts white people first should not be easy. It’s not easy. Admitting you harbor racist thoughts is not easy. But if you can’t admit that, then you will never be able to change it.

Some background: I grew up (white, if you didn’t know) in a very white suburban city. So white and suburban that when they need a stereotypical white suburban neighborhood for film and TV, they film in my hometown. The town in Edward Scissorhands? Yeah, based on my hometown. My elementary school was overwhelmingly white and middle class. My junior high and high school were slightly more diverse, with a relatively large Latinx population, but the school itself was very segregated. My ancestors moved to California from Oklahoma. Before Oklahoma they lived in the South. Some of them were slaveowners. I can trace my ancestors back to the boat that landed on the coast of America second only to the Mayflower. I heard a lot of racist jokes and language from extended family throughout my childhood, under the guise of it’s just a joke or he’s old you can’t expect him to change.

And these little things became ingrained in me. I would have never thought of myself as a racist because I didn’t use the n-word or attack people of color or outwardly judge anyone based on their race. But racism is so much more than that, and it goes so much deeper.

The first four years I was a teacher, I worked in schools that were lower income and predominantly Latinx. And I don’t know that I would have ever realized how deeply ingrained the racism was in me if it weren’t for the experiences I had with my students. Because I 100% judged them on their race. And yes, it makes me feel like shit to admit that, but I have to admit it because I needed that realization to make a change. And I should feel like shit for making those judgments and possibly (probably) causing harm to my students because I never challenged the things I learned, and that was on me (and is on me). And it is still scary to make that admission, even to myself, and here I am putting it out on the internet that never forgets because I think this is that important. How can you overcome the racism in your brain if you can’t admit it’s there in the first place?

I will never forget one class discussion I had with my sophomores (aged 15-16). We were discussing the juvenile justice system and whether or not kids under the age of 18 should be tried as adults. I was making the point that most kids don’t know to ask for a lawyer or they think the cops are on their side so they talk willingly, and unknowingly incriminate themselves. I looked out at my class and said something along the lines of “We’re taught as kids that the police are who we go to for help and so many young kids trust the cops to have their best interest at heart.”

And the entire room looked at me like I was an alien from Mars. One student chimed in “That’s not what we were taught about cops.” And you could have knocked me over with a feather. I had a lot of eye-opening experiences during those four years, many coming at the hands of my students, and some coming from other teachers. I never once felt judged (and both fellow teachers and my students would have been well within their rights to check my privilege) because I did my best to remain open to learning.

So if you are sitting there reading this and feeling like it might be easier to just stay quiet and go back to the way things were (or take it even further and find ways to justify the actions being taken by police-don’t do this please), I urge you to stop. Get uncomfortable. Admit that you have a problem, and be open to learning. Ignorance is no longer a defense, and it is up to each of us to educate ourselves. The resources are out there, the information is out there if you are open to consuming it with an open mind. And your immediate reaction might be to jump to those deeply ingrained justifications (but he was a criminal! he should have just done what he was told!) but now is the time to challenge those justifications. GET UNCOMFORTABLE.

I have been working to unpack my privilege and retrain my brain for years and I am nowhere near being done. I don’t think I will ever be done. But I have the privilege of taking a break when I need one, something Black people don’t always get to do. So the least you can do is start the process, educate yourself, and sit in that uncomfortable place until the changes start. No one can just snap their fingers and unlearn years and years of ingrained lessons so you have to be willing to do the work. I am still doing the work. I am still uncomfortable a lot of the time. But ultimately, that’s a good thing.

If this is something you are struggling with and you need a sounding board or want resources, feel free to reach out. DM me or message me on any of my social media platforms and I’m happy to have the conversation.