Monday Movie Review: New Moon
Okay friends. Everyone hanging in there? Surviving? Good. After the rousing success (in my mind) of last week’s Twilight adventure, I figured I might as well subject you to the whole damn series. BECAUSE WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO DO. Like I mentioned last week, Twilight is not available for streaming (booo) and I only personally own the first one (why?!?!?!?), but DO NOT FRET. I met last week with an anonymous source for an illicit and socially distanced hand off of the entire Twilight Saga. So we are hooked up for the next month mofos and shit’s gonna get good. For some reason, I had it in my head that New Moon was the best of the movies and boy was I wrong! It’s amazing what a few years and a healthy relationship can do to a gal’s perspective. Let’s get to it.
My feminist heart is crying. This movie is BRUTAL. Bella has zero self confidence, zero self worth, and zero self respect. She spends the first twenty minutes of the movie constantly being like but why do you love me? I’m just a boring human and one day I’m going to be old. And then when Edward dumps her, she becomes literally catatonic. WHY DID WE LET TEEN GIRLS WATCH THIS. It is PAINFUL to watch. Painful. No man is worth that amount of pain, and certainly not Edward Cullen.
Look. I love Romeo and Juliet as much as the next nerdy theater/English girl. Which is to say, I love it a lot (it is also supes problematic but at least has the defense of being half a century old). But the R and J references in this movie are cringe-worthy. If Juliet had married Paris, she would have lived and probably been decently happy (I mean, let’s consider Paul Rudd vs. Leonardo DiCaprio right now-I’m choosing Paul all day every day). So maybe not the best literary comparison here.
The whole birthday party scene is just bad. From the facial expressions and the growling and the fakest of fake blood to Edward being like here let me protect you by throwing you against the wall. Cool cool.
If I didn’t sufficiently cover it already, the break up scene and the melancholy passage of time montage after it made me actually sick to my stomach.
Thank god for Anna Kendrick.
As if we weren’t already sending enough bad messages to teenagers across the globe, why are these fuckers out here on motorcycles not wearing any helmets? Seriously?
I’m very glad skinny eyebrows are no longer a thing. Kristen Stewart is way hotter now.
Okay. Prepare for some Taylor Lautner feelings. This kid was young when these movies were made. Like probably barely legal young. And fun fact, Taylor went to school at the junior high where I used to teach. I was at a different school when he was a student so I never actually taught him, but I could have. I could have been his teacher. So it makes me feel creepy weird when I’m like oh hey abs. But like, how can I not be like oh hey abs. BECAUSE ABS. Also, I’ve always been Team Edward just because these books were not actually set up to be a legit love triangle, and the way the whole thing ends leaves no room for Team Jacob to still be a thing, but based on this movie alone, I am 100% Team Jacob. Just for New Moon.
The Volturri part of this movie is so strange. So she goes to stop him from killing himself and is like don’t kill yourself because of guilt and he’s like it’s not guilt I can’t live without you and she’s like you said you don’t love me and he’s like well yeah, but you believed me. Yes, Edward. The girl who asked you a million times why you would want to be with her believed you when you said you didn’t want to be with her. Fuck off.
But I do love Jane.
But this fight between Edward and Alec is weird. And now we’re just going to walk by a group of innocent people-INCLUDING CHILDREN-and just ignore the fact they are going to be slaughtered. Won’t even attempt to help.
In case we didn’t have enough feminist rage so far, let’s pit two boys against each other and both have them tell her what they will and won’t let her do. I won’t let him touch you. Oh really Jacob?
But don’t worry, we’ll end on a high note. Let’s get married!!!!!!! Because what eighteen year old girl isn’t ready for an immortal lifelong commitment?!?!? Good ending tho.
Tune in next week for Eclipse. It can’t get much worse, right?
