Monday Movie Review: Twilight
Oh friends. A couple of days ago, I tweeted out a survey to see what my movie review for this week should be: Twilight or the new Netflix rom-com Love Wedding Repeat. Twilight won handily, and so here we are. I should state for the record that I have (of course) seen Twilight before. I actually own it on special edition DVD, which turned out to be a good thing because Twilight isn’t available for streaming (WHY.). I (and by I, I mean my husband) had to go digging in the depths of our garage to find this bad boy and y’all better appreciate it. Without further ado, my thoughts while watching Twilight:
We start out on a real high note. A trend in the aughts was this concept of “not like other girls”. We automatically know Bella is not like other girls because she is SO EXCITED about the old, rusty, beat up truck her dad buys for her. Right away, she’s “different”. And clumsy, of course.
Bella’s high school friends, on the other hand, are caricatures. Every stereotype you could think of in terms of the different types of high school student is represented, and not in a Mean Girls cafeteria seating chart satire kind of way.
Anna Kendrick. Oh Anna. I love her so much, and I love that her career survived this series.
As evidenced in this video below, R Pattz is hot. Like super hot. He has these glimpses of cute in Twilight, mostly when he’s doing his little quirky smile. And yet, overall, he is so unappealing in these movies. Is it the terrible dialogue? The bad hair? Not sure, but I’m thankful for any excuse to watch this commercial again…
So have we ever really figured out what the fuck is up with that first meeting scene in the science classroom? I can’t.
But it almost makes more sense than seeing Emmett standing up in the back of a Jeep and driving into the school parking lot like he’s Rambo. Way to stay low-key and under the radar.
I don’t know how long it’s been since you’ve watched this movie, but the first time Bella dreams about Edward, she wakes up like she’s mid-orgasm and that’s a choice.
I never want to see another TV/movie teacher say the word “Yo” ever again.
Here’s the real revelation that it took us some time to really wrap our heads around. For the most part, the actors in these movies aren’t bad. We’ve seen them in enough other things at this point to realize this fact. So it’s not the acting. It’s the terrible, terrible writing. Terrible writing in the book leads to even worse writing in the films and freaking Marlon Brando couldn’t make this shit look good.
I actually laughed out loud when Bella encouraged one of her caricature friends to be a strong, independent woman. Because in the end of the movie when Edward says he’s going to leave her, she loses her goddamn mind. Like she will literally die without this man. Let’s keep in mind she’s sixteen.
Hey! I like something in this movie! The way the images are cut together when Bella is finally figuring out Edward is a vampire actually looks kind of cool!
But then, sparkles.
And so much wide-eyed staring.
And those flying special effects.
And then let’s not forget “I like to sneak into your bedroom without your knowledge or permission and watch you sleep.”
Thank god for Charlie. Charlie is without a doubt, one of the few highlights of this series.
You know, rewatching the baseball scene for the millionth time, I was actually like this is entertaining and fun to watch. And then the other vamps show up and there is so much growling. So much growling.
Shout out to the Valencia Hyatt! I remember seeing this for the first time and being like oh em gee a cameraman from Twilight and some production people were totes in my hometown. Squee.
Okay. Again, haven’t seen this in a while so I kinda forgot that Bella gets bit by James in the end battle, which means, if they would have just left her alone, she would have turned into a vampire and literally there would have been zero conflict left for the rest of the books. Which from a practical stand point explains why they didn’t let her turn. But logistically, the ball is in motion, why not just let it play out?
Nice little foreshadowing joke at prom from Edward after seeing Bella talk to Jacob: “I leave you alone for five minutes and the wolves descend.” Clever.
Okay, Bella gesturing/mouthing to Jessica from across the dance floor at prom that her boobs look great in that dress is one of the best moments in the movie. I’m guessing it was an ad-lib because it was too natural and funny to have been part of the script.
Ugh, say what you will. I love this last dance in the gazebo. Every high school girl’s fantasy.
Thanks assholes for making me go down this road again! Not going to lie, it was fun, and I may or may not have sought out copies of the rest of the movies so I can bring you more Twilight action over the next few weeks. Not like I have anything better to do!
